Mommy Issues

I thought it would be best to start with a topic I've been having the most trouble with lately. Let's talk about my mother.

First off, let me describe her. My mother, in my eyes is a tough woman. She's intelligent and independent. She knows how to stand up for herself and would immediately out you or confront you if ever you do her wrong. These are great qualities to have, especially since my mom is a politician.

But as a mother, sometimes I don't think so. My mom is in no way abusive or neglectful of us, her children. She provides for us well. Both I and my brother go to good schools. But there's something I'm looking for and craving for from her that she can't seem to give me.

My mom was never the affectionate type. She was never the kind of mother who doted on her children and often expressed her love, and she told us herself before. But I hope no one blames me to still want that from her. I hate her for not showing enough affection for me. For not saying "I love you" that often. I feel silly by even thinking about this but as I'm writing this down, let the fact be known that tears are falling down my face. I don't wanna be dramatic, really. But this "issue" is one of the most painful ones I've been having, and for the longest time. I think I've always resented my mother for being the way she is. I do my best to understand her but you can only expect so much from a teenage girl, as myself.

Did you know that she has never told me she loved me voluntarily, ever? That she has never hugged me or showed affection except by having to pay it back? I was always the first one to do so and every time she would do it back, I never felt the sincerity in her words or actions. Her "I love you" would always be short, or emotionless, or in a joking way. A lot of times I just wish she'd say the words in the sappiest way possible just so I would feel she actually felt them for me.

It's hard to think like this because I know might just be overreacting. But just yesterday as I as showering, I was assaulted by all these random thoughts and memories of how much expression of love my mother lacked for me. And I just couldn't stop my tears because it was painful to think like that. I felt so so so pathetic and over dramatic, crying in the shower like that, as if I was a character from a movie or book.

Often times, I think she just hates me. Or she's annoyed by me. Or she might love me but she doesn't really like me. I know I'm not the perfect daughter out there. I have my flaws as any other teenage girl. I can be selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate, etc. and a lot of times I don't mean it. I know for a fact the she thinks I have an ugly personality. At least I think she does. I know she thinks I'm all those things I've said before, that I'm just one typical teenage girl incapable of thinking intelligently and rationally. That I only think about myself and things that are shallow and inconsequential. I want to tell her no, I'm not what you think I am. I want her to show her that she doesn't really know me. I want to show her that I can be smart, kind and compassionate but every time I do so, she just ends up mocking me. And I hate her. I hate her so much because she's one of the major reasons why I hate myself. If she thinks like that about me then might as well be like that right?

Sometimes I just want reassurance. I want my mom to show me, tell me that I'm not a worthless person after all. I want to tell her what I'm going through right now but at the back of my mind I know, I just know she'll just mock me for it. She'll immediately dismiss my feelings and say I'm just being a whiny teenager and I should get over myself. I can never tell her anything because every time, that's what happens. She will roll her eyes at me and would make me feel that my problems and thoughts are just petty little things not worth her time.

I try, I try really hard to understand her and accept her. But then I think, has she ever tried to understand me? I know what I'm going through. I'm not the first one to feel like this about their parents. I desperately want to tell her how I feel, to make her understand. That from all the times I've become cold to her, that I was incapable to properly communicate with her, it was because of all this hate I feel towards her and how much it pains me.

Sometimes I think it would be best to just let it be. I might get over this someday. It may take awhile, or it may never happen at all. I don't see us actually talking about this in the near future because I'm too much of a coward to do so. I'm scared to know the truth. To actually confirm that she does hate me or don't like me at all. It might just be my insecure, over-dramatic self but even when she doesn't say it, I can feel it. And its something I wasn't at all asking from her.

Letting it all out

I started this blog because I needed a way to let out a lot of the things circulating my mind these days. I need an outlet to just let it all out of my system because if I don't I'm scared I might just explode one random day. It has happened before and I'm not about to do it again. I don't know if this is some kind of required phase every teenager has to go through but it's no secret I hate it. I hate these thoughts, these feelings and emotions I'm having because it makes me feel pathetic. It makes me feel like every other typical teenage girl whining and complaining about everything. I don't want to be like that but sadly, I am. I feel like I'm bottling up so much hate and pain for so many people, it's starting to literally give me physical pain. I'm not really sure about anything but  my hypochondriac side has officially diagnosed me clinically depressed. My only source is the internet and we all know how that's the most credible way to diagnose serious illnesses. Anyway, lately I've been on a "slump", in lack of me thinking of any other term to call what I'm feeling right now. I like to believe I haven't always been like this. I'm also not sure when I started being like this. All I know is me "being like this" has to stop. Because if I don't get my act together again, I might just lose every little thing I have left that matters to me (however dramatic that sounds but its true). I feel like I'm harboring so much hate and resentment towards people, especially people I love and I'm becoming the reason we're drifting apart. Often times I would think "I don't care about them. They can just disappear from my life and I wouldn't give a fuck" which I know is a little over the top and unnecessary especially since I'm talking about loved ones here. Its hard to explain my predicament in just one post because it would just seem shallow and whiny to some people but I think what I'm going through right now isn't something that should be taken lightly. Even if my thoughts often come out as whiny, they root somewhere deeper and darker that is hard to explain right now. There's also another reason why I think I should start writing down my thoughts and that's the fact that my thoughts have been drifting towards somewhere very dark and dangerous that I've started to feel scared for myself.